Blue Eyes and Unnamed Feelings
by PennyStarling17
Summary: Castiel tries to understand what this new feeling is, the one that grows as he spends more time with the Winchesters. Dean contemplates his changing relationship with Cas. Destiel.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first time he has taken a vessel. It makes him feel so much bigger and so much smaller. It is an incredible feeling.

* * *

When Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been lost.

(That is what his siblings think.)

* * *

Dean Winchester is so much more than anyone thinks.

(especially himself.)

He cannot see the way Sam looks up to him, even now. He cannot see the way his friends and family are willing to help with anything and everything. He cannot see that if he would simply ask, they would stand beside him, no matter what.

And it makes Castiel's chest hurt.

(He briefly wonders what this new feeling is called, but pushes the thoughts aside. He has work to do.)

* * *

Dean doesn't believe in God.

He doesn't believe he deserved to be saved.

And Castiel cannot understand why.

* * *

Dean is flawed- he is human, of course he is, but he is so-

Castiel doesn't have words for what he thinks Dean is.

Dean is so much more-

He is-

* * *

In Hell, the thing that allowed Dean to hold on for so long was Sam. The thought of Sam and the memories of their childhood. The pain in Sam's eyes when he watched his brother die, the last thing Dean saw before he opened his eyes to meat hooks and torture.

When Castiel first touched him in Hell, theses are the things he saw.

And he finds it hard to understand how Dean loves Sam the way he does.

Sam isn't like Dean, he doesn't have the undying loyalty or the agonizing sense of duty like Dean does.

Castiel cannot understand why Dean thinks so highly of him.

* * *

Sam Winchester is an abomination, he is tainted with the blood of a demon and he is a ticking time bomb, but he has the purest heart Castiel has ever seen.

The contradiction confuses him, but he accepts it more and more in the rare moments he sees Sam laugh.

As time goes on, he begins to understand why Dean loves him the way he does. The way Dean always puts Sam before himself.

Sam is the kind of person you want to keep safe from the horrors of the world. He is the kind of person you know you can trust with everything, he is the kind of person you want to one day become.

* * *

The Winchester Boys are amazing. They are forces of wild, uncontrollable nature that sweep through people's lives and change them- sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

They certainly change Castiel's life.

* * *

He becomes Cas and he gains a place in their hearts.

And for the first time, he understands why humans kill for love.

(It would destroy him to lose this feeling).

* * *

It is cold when Dean sits on the hood of the impala next to him.

They brush shoulders and say nothing.

But it is enough.

* * *

"Dean? Can you come and get me?"

"Sure Cas. Where are you?"

"I- I'm not sure."

"You ok?"

"I've... I've fallen, Dean."

* * *

It's dark at night in their motel room.

Sam is asleep in the bed furthest from the door and Dean is pressed up against Cas's back, closest to the door.

He is awake and staring at the floor.

He misses his siblings.

(He wishes that he could go back to when he was young, back to when his siblings had always been there, gentle guiding hands and simple encouragements. Back when this feeling first bloomed in his chest and he knew where he was suppose to be and what he was suppose to do.)

(He wishes for the once familiar simplicity of his existence, back when he was not among the fallen.)

* * *

Dean's hands are rough and he is frantic. He pushes and pulls and begs and curses- god and everyone- and he screams.

_"Sam. No, God, Sam. You're gonna be ok. We're gonna fix you up and you'll be fine. Sammy? SAM!"_

* * *

Castiel wishes he had never fallen, maybe then he could have prevented this.

* * *

Dean doesn't speak for a long time after Sam's death.

He hunts and eats and breathes.

(But Cas knows that he wishes he would stop breathing, wishes he could join Sam in death.)

He knows that Dean blames himself.

And it breaks his heart.

* * *

The first time they kiss, it's a harsh press of mouth against mouth, teeth clinking and blood drawing.

Cas clings to Dean after and Dean says nothing.

He just presses a kiss to his hair and holds him.

* * *

Dying hurts worse than anything else. (Except maybe the burn of his lost wings.)

But looking into Dean's eyes as the life leaves him?

It hurts so much more.

_"Cas? C'mon buddy. I need you. Please, Cas?"_

There's a flash of green eyes and freckles and then darkness.

* * *

Cas thought he would end up in Purgatory after his death, but he is back in Heaven.

Sam is smiling at him, his arm wrapped tightly around a young woman-Jessica.

_"Hey Cas. This is Jess. Jess, this is Cas, yeah, the Cas I was telling you about."_

Heaven is so much brighter with Sam and Jess.

* * *

Dean joins them shortly after.

The look Sam shoots him is hard, but Dean merely shrugs and wraps Cas in his arms.

_"Hunting accident, Sammy. Hey Jess! How're you?"_

* * *

It is nice in Heaven, with the Winchesters and the Singers and the Harvelles and so many other hunters and friends and-

* * *

When Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been lost.

(That is what his siblings think.)

* * *

But the truth is simple: when Castiel first touched the Righteous Man in Hell, he had been saved.

* * *

He has a name for this feeling now.

He sees it in Sam's laugh, in Jess's smile, in Mary's knowing grin, in John's smirk.

He sees it in the way Bill holds Ellen and Bobby holds Karen.

He feels it in the way Dean's arms fit around his waist like they were always meant to be there.

It's called belonging.

* * *

Castiel understands why humans fight so harshly for the ones they love.

He would give his life a million times over to protect those he loves.

He gets it now.

* * *

Unbeta'd. Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

He digs his way out of his grave and breaths in fresh air, pushing thoughts of Alistair and knives aside.

He does not hear the air resonate with the words- _Dean Winchester has been saved._

* * *

The man- _I am an angel of the Lord- _stands in front of him with confusion written in his eyes.

_"You don't think you deserved to be saved?"_

Dean doesn't answer, doesn't need to, the answer etched on his face.

He's never been so glad that Sam was far away.

* * *

Dean is furious when he returns from the past- _couldn'tsavethemcouldn'tsavethem- _ringing in his ears.

Castiel is unsympathetic as he tells him, _"Destiny can't be changed Dean. All roads lead to the same destination."_

Dean doesn't care, his parents are dead and his brother is keeping secrets and the nightmares keep him awake every night and he is _pissed._

* * *

Cas- no longer Castiel- still thinks he deserved to be saved.

Dean's not too sure he agrees with that sentiment.

* * *

The world is falling apart around them and Dean holds onto the few times his brother actually smiles. It's a rare and blessed sight to see those dimples adorn his brother's face, but it is so worth it, LuciferSamLucifer's voice echoing in his mind.

_"Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up... here."_

He thinks of the death and the destruction and his brother that was no longer his brother and Cas, a burnt-out, broken shell of the man he once was.

He thinks of himself, willing to sacrifice everyone just to put a bullet in his baby brother's skull.

(It's hard to keep his food down for several weeks after that trip.)

* * *

Cas cares about Sam now and it eases a knot in Dean's chest.

The two most important people in Dean's life (excluding Bobby) get along and fight to save each other and keep each other safe.

He looks away from his two nerds discussing the differences between traditional Christian mythology and the reality of it. Sam has a million and five questions and Cas was more than willing to answer them, an amused smile quirking his lips.

Dean sips his coffee and silently admits that he could get used to this.

* * *

It's freezing when Dean goes looking for Cas, who had disappeared a few hours earlier.

He finds him sitting on the hood on the impala, a contemplative look on his face as he watches the stars.

Dean stares at him for a moment before moving to sit besides him, their shoulders brushing.

They don't speak, but then again, they don't need to.

* * *

"Dean? Can you come and get me?"

"Sure Cas. Where are you?"

"I- I'm not sure."

"You ok?"

"I've... I've fallen, Dean."

* * *

Cas sleeps in the bed beside Dean as he stares at the ceiling, eyes going to the door every now and then.

Dean thinks of all the ways he could have prevented it, prevented Cas from losing his family, his grace, his _everything._

He doesn't fall asleep for some time, guilt suffocating him.

* * *

Dean's hands are rough and he is frantic. He pushes and pulls and begs and curses- god and everyone- and he screams.

_"Sam. No, God, Sam. You're gonna be ok." _

This couldn't be happening, he couldn't be holding his brother- his baby brother, dammit, in his arms as the life drained out from him between his fingers.

It was Cold Oak all over again.

_"We're gonna fix you up and you'll be fine."_ He tightens his hold on Sam, but doesn't receive a reply.

_"Sammy?"_ Dean's hands are covered in blood and his eyes are wide and scared. Sam isn't waking up. He isn't breathing.

_"SAM!"_

* * *

Dean and Cas salt and burn Sam less than a day after his death- _bloody and painful, but what other way would a Winchester go out?_

He can't eat, can barely speak, heartache and guilt surrounding him.

_His baby brother, the one he swore he would always protect is deadeadeadeadead-_

Cas watches him with wide eyes, pain etched on his face.

(It takes a while before he remembers that Cas lost his friend the same day Dean lost his brother.)

* * *

The first time they kiss, it's a harsh press of mouth against mouth, teeth clinking, blood and adrenaline pumping through their veins, the sounds of their fight still ringing in both of their ears.

Cas clings to Dean after and Dean says nothing.

He just presses a kiss to his hair and holds him, trying to remember what they were fighting about in the first place.

* * *

_"Cas? C'mon buddy."_

Dean's heart was pounding in his chest as he pressed down on the claw marks decorating his boyfriend's bloodied body.

He watched as Cas's eyes fought to stay open and murmured, _"I need you. Please, Cas?"_

He breaks down as the former angel's chest stops moving and his eyes fall shut.

* * *

Dean carefully salts and burns Cas's body, a cloying depression surrounding him as he digs the grave, movements mechanical.

It took him less than a day after that to point his gun at his head and pull the trigger.

* * *

He found Sam and Cas easily enough, pleasantly surprised to see Jess wrapped in Sam's arms.

Dean shrugged at Sam's knowing look and pulled Cas to him.

_"Hunting accident, Sammy. Hey Jess! How're you?"_

* * *

Sam brings Dean to their parents and the Singers and Harvelles and it's hugs and one huge chick flick moment.

(Dean'll never admit it, but he kind of loves it.)

His mom loves Cas, talking with him every chance she gets and making him laugh.

It warms his heart and lifts an unknown burden from his shoulders.

* * *

Sam hits him upside the head while Cas is distracted and glares at him.

Dean smirks and points out, _"All my favorite people were in Heaven, Sammy, why wouldn't I want to be with them?"_

Sam grumbles and mutters, _"You're an idiot," _before finally pulling him into a hug.

* * *

It's dark and not all that cold when Dean and Cas sit outside a small farmhouse in their personal heaven and watch the stars.

They don't say anything, their fingers gently intertwined.

(But then again, they don't really need to.)

* * *

So, AU and stuff. Hope you enjoyed it and let me know what you thought!


End file.
